In the past month since publishing this blog, I have been incredibly appreciative of the feedback I've received thus far, both in the comments here and in private messages y'all have sent me. It's encouraging, and I've been reflecting on audience and community. I always knew my voice was important, but it's different to regard this idea when people are actually telling you that they are hearing you.
That being said, I've also been feeling fairly burnt out. The end of summer was a really rejuvenating time, as I found myself at a writing retreat surrounded by other creatives who were inspiring and whose work was thought-provoking. I came back from that trip feeling energetic and created this blog. But then I started my fulltime job.
Having a fulltime job as a mentally ill person is extremely taxing. Within the first week of my job, in the beginning of September, I caught a fairly nasty cold, and battled it all the way into October. Dealing with both mental and physical illnesses at once is debilitating, and my body has been very overwhelmed. Transitioning into my 37.5 hour work week has even more exhausting. I work from 7-3, staring at a computer screen for so long my eyes start to tear up and the glow form the desktop turns my retinas numb. I sit at the stiff computer chair and caption live telephone calls for so long that words no longer sound real. I do this job for less than I was making as a student office assistant in my job in undergrad.
Being far overqualified for a job makes me feel upset most days, as being underestimated is one of the worst feelings in the world for me. It almost makes me feel like I'm wasting away. I don't think it helps that I haven't found the time to write that I have wanted. I started the job regarding it as my day job and considering Inside My Brain my side hustle that I hoped to turn more serious. That's still my goal, and I am trying to keep an open mind, but I also fear that continuing to work full time for about a year will again send me into a depression.
So, I've been going to work for 8 hours and coming home and napping for 2 hours and then spending a few hours with my partner before sleeping and doing it all again. I'm dreaming of an escape plan and wondering how to make my writing take off. Basically, I'm very impatient. I just started this project, but I feel some sort of urgency to be heard, now. I have so much to say. I have 6 drafts started with grand ideas of longform posts I want to put here. My brain races but my fingers stall. I just need to let my body heal and let the energy come to me, rather than force it. But my anxious foot is tapping so fast and I just am aching to get everything out of my brain.
If you haven't noticed, I've put a paypal link at the bottom of each page on my blog. Like I said, I don't have a lot of energy to give, and while writing is healing, it's also labor. If you've been enjoying my sharing of my thoughts, you can consider throwing a few dollars my way. I feel awkward putting that out there, as many people I'm acquainted with are also working in jobs that pay less than a livable wage, or are working their butts off in grad school on measly graduate stipends. And of course, there are also so many other places to give your money to. But we live in a sharing economy, and no one wants to pay writers for their work, and if you're reading this you're here anyway, and I'm putting all this out here for free-- so maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but maybe some day, a few posts down the road, you'll toss a few bucks into my digital paypal garbage can.
That being said, I've also been feeling fairly burnt out. The end of summer was a really rejuvenating time, as I found myself at a writing retreat surrounded by other creatives who were inspiring and whose work was thought-provoking. I came back from that trip feeling energetic and created this blog. But then I started my fulltime job.
Having a fulltime job as a mentally ill person is extremely taxing. Within the first week of my job, in the beginning of September, I caught a fairly nasty cold, and battled it all the way into October. Dealing with both mental and physical illnesses at once is debilitating, and my body has been very overwhelmed. Transitioning into my 37.5 hour work week has even more exhausting. I work from 7-3, staring at a computer screen for so long my eyes start to tear up and the glow form the desktop turns my retinas numb. I sit at the stiff computer chair and caption live telephone calls for so long that words no longer sound real. I do this job for less than I was making as a student office assistant in my job in undergrad.
Being far overqualified for a job makes me feel upset most days, as being underestimated is one of the worst feelings in the world for me. It almost makes me feel like I'm wasting away. I don't think it helps that I haven't found the time to write that I have wanted. I started the job regarding it as my day job and considering Inside My Brain my side hustle that I hoped to turn more serious. That's still my goal, and I am trying to keep an open mind, but I also fear that continuing to work full time for about a year will again send me into a depression.
So, I've been going to work for 8 hours and coming home and napping for 2 hours and then spending a few hours with my partner before sleeping and doing it all again. I'm dreaming of an escape plan and wondering how to make my writing take off. Basically, I'm very impatient. I just started this project, but I feel some sort of urgency to be heard, now. I have so much to say. I have 6 drafts started with grand ideas of longform posts I want to put here. My brain races but my fingers stall. I just need to let my body heal and let the energy come to me, rather than force it. But my anxious foot is tapping so fast and I just am aching to get everything out of my brain.
If you haven't noticed, I've put a paypal link at the bottom of each page on my blog. Like I said, I don't have a lot of energy to give, and while writing is healing, it's also labor. If you've been enjoying my sharing of my thoughts, you can consider throwing a few dollars my way. I feel awkward putting that out there, as many people I'm acquainted with are also working in jobs that pay less than a livable wage, or are working their butts off in grad school on measly graduate stipends. And of course, there are also so many other places to give your money to. But we live in a sharing economy, and no one wants to pay writers for their work, and if you're reading this you're here anyway, and I'm putting all this out here for free-- so maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but maybe some day, a few posts down the road, you'll toss a few bucks into my digital paypal garbage can.
Anyway, this is my longwinded vent-sesh explaining why I haven't posted in awhile, and a promise to myself, mostly, to keep going.
But more importantly, I wanted to share some motivating videos I've been watching that are going to get me through this week.
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First, there's Solange. If you haven't listened to her new album yet, A Seat at the Table, do so now. It's free to stream on Spotify, so she didn't pull an exclusive Tidal release, probably because I'm pretty sure she lowkey hates Jay Z. So go listen. Plus, she's just released two incredible videos, which are required viewing ASAP.
"Cranes in the Sky" is a song that is so encouraging. At first I interpreted as Solange singing about mental health, because it was so relatable as a mentally ill person who has felt numb and resonates with the unrelenting need to just get "it" away, whatever that "it" may be. But I wanted to dig deeper, as the video was released at the same time as the visual for "Don't Touch My Hair," a song in which Solange even more explicitly claims her own space as well as the way she demands to be seen. And it looks like the two are very connected in their messages and intentions. According to Genius, the "Cranes" is a love song to Black communities, with the crowdsourced annotations there noting the following:
"In a recent interview with Vogue about the video for “Cranes In The Sky,” Solange admitted that the song and visual is a plea for the black community to move away from relying on material things for internal happiness, as instead they should be using meditation to cleanse themselves of anger or sadness.
'I wanted to showcase how we’re always moving in these spaces, and distracting ourselves with all of these worldly things. Honestly I wanted the video to be like a meditation, and really center myself in God’s work.'
With each repetition of the word 'away,' her vocals become louder and supporting singers join in successively. This signifies her recruiting other black women to unburden themselves through reflection, focus and caring for themselves. The chorus releases their pain and worries, letting them float away."
Solange's voice and intentions here are so important. Her celebration of Blackness is necessary when we are surrounded with media texts exploiting Black pain.
I owe so much of my learning to the work of Black women, and to their emotional, critical, creative, and academic labor. Their voices are needed in educating one's self to recognize and work to dismantle systems of oppression. As the Combahee River Collective writes, "If Black women were free, it would mean that everyone else would have to be free since our freedom would necessitate the destruction of all the systems of oppression." And as social media voice Son of Baldwin points out, it's been a great time for Black women in music. Go listen to Solange!!! It will make you a better person.
I also forgot about how much I loved Grimes' new album when she released it late last year, but the 4 (*four*!!!) new videos she released last week are truly stunning.
My favorite was the video for "Butterfly," with an aesthetic that is just so truly ~cute~ with lyrics to match. I'm really into overtly feminine stylizations and that is how I read this song and visual. Grimes is clarifying her own way of existing as a feminine person, telling the listener "I'll never be your dream girl" and claiming the ways in which she finds beauty in herself and in the world.
"You could be anything out there
Butterflies flying in the air
...
Why you looking for a harmony?
There is harmony in everything
It’s a butterfly whose wings span the world"
I also forgot about how much I loved Grimes' new album when she released it late last year, but the 4 (*four*!!!) new videos she released last week are truly stunning.
My favorite was the video for "Butterfly," with an aesthetic that is just so truly ~cute~ with lyrics to match. I'm really into overtly feminine stylizations and that is how I read this song and visual. Grimes is clarifying her own way of existing as a feminine person, telling the listener "I'll never be your dream girl" and claiming the ways in which she finds beauty in herself and in the world.
"You could be anything out there
Butterflies flying in the air
...
Why you looking for a harmony?
There is harmony in everything
It’s a butterfly whose wings span the world"
I also enjoyed the "Belly of the Beat" video, but was more so struck by the Kate Bush vibes I was getting from the visual. Am I alone in seeing this? That wig is totally Grimes' Kate Bush wig.
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This connection led me to binge tens of Kate Bush videos on Youtube over the weekend. I don't know why I haven't done this sooner. A few years ago I watched "Wuthering Heights" and listened to a few tracks from Bush and was like "OK, I get this aesthetic for the most part, but don't really want to commit myself to consuming it right now." But I think I'm really ready now. I feel like I've reached the "I'm down to consume all of Kate Bush's discography" part of my life and I'm not sorry. So many of the women I listen to seem so heavily influenced by her, Grimes and Joanna Newsom to name a few.
Also, I loved the visual for "The Sensual World," and it had me cackling because I was thinking "This is me in the fall" as I was watching. I get that the song is largely all about sex and that the "Yes's" are supposed to be orgasmic, I think, but isn't that also what fall is for us pumpkin lovers? Anyway, again, this is me traipsing through a magical forest in Autumn.
So that's that, and an update as to what's going on inside my brain. I'll keep updating this and working on the 6 or so blog ideas floating around in there. Again, I appreciate the readership and feedback, and leave any comments below!