I don't know how to start this post because I've been trying to start it for, like, three months. I've written five different introductions and feel like I just have to accept the fact that there's no eloquent or cute or funny way to say "hey I'm really depressed and working on my mental health and tired and working 40 hours a week at a job where all I do is review 600+ emails a day." I tried to make it charming, but I can't. I'm fine though, I'm safe and getting somewhat financially stable and I have the kindest partner who makes me feel cared about every day. Promise, I'm totally OK, I think I'm the coolest and I Love Myself ™, et cetera, but on an existential level I'm just feeling really down.
I'm sad for a plethora of reasons, most of them due to whatever tossed salad of anxiety, depression, or PTSD related symptoms are sitting in my brain bowl. I'm sad that I have no long-term plan now that my goal of quickly moving through grad school is on hold, and honestly I think I'm still grieving this once-imagined path. I'm sad because I'm perpetually homesick and feel isolated as heck out in Wisconsin. I'm sad because I obsessively check multiple social media platforms to feel connected to far away people to alleviate these lonely feelings and then I'll scroll across whatever fucking nightmare is happening in the world and then I feel sad and = unrelentingly feel impending doom. This fucking salad bowl brain of mine is exhausting and tastes like shit and like, didn't even come with the right dressing I asked for and I want my money back.
Even though working a full time job leaves me feeling no energy to do creative things, because my job is so repetitive, and because I'm me and my brain does what it does, I literally spend eight hours just dwelling on all the creative things I want to do. From experience, I know that the best way for me to stop feeling really down is to do creative things, so herein lies the issue to which I have no solution.
Nevertheless, in the past two months I've somehow found it in me to make some new songs. When I really get into it, I can pump a track out in around eight hours or less (imagine what I could do if this was my day job ugh ;_;) and it's always really fun and energizing. There's something really satisfying about performing an HGTV-worthy makeover on my pile of poopy shit feelings and turning them into a cute song.
I'm hoping I'll find more energy in me to keep doing music-- let me know if you like it.
Anyway, I posted these sadbop tunes plus their lyrics below. They sound really upbeat but the first song is basically about anxiety and mental illness and "sea stars" is about hoping all rapists and abusers die, so enjoy.
I'm sad for a plethora of reasons, most of them due to whatever tossed salad of anxiety, depression, or PTSD related symptoms are sitting in my brain bowl. I'm sad that I have no long-term plan now that my goal of quickly moving through grad school is on hold, and honestly I think I'm still grieving this once-imagined path. I'm sad because I'm perpetually homesick and feel isolated as heck out in Wisconsin. I'm sad because I obsessively check multiple social media platforms to feel connected to far away people to alleviate these lonely feelings and then I'll scroll across whatever fucking nightmare is happening in the world and then I feel sad and = unrelentingly feel impending doom. This fucking salad bowl brain of mine is exhausting and tastes like shit and like, didn't even come with the right dressing I asked for and I want my money back.
Even though working a full time job leaves me feeling no energy to do creative things, because my job is so repetitive, and because I'm me and my brain does what it does, I literally spend eight hours just dwelling on all the creative things I want to do. From experience, I know that the best way for me to stop feeling really down is to do creative things, so herein lies the issue to which I have no solution.
Nevertheless, in the past two months I've somehow found it in me to make some new songs. When I really get into it, I can pump a track out in around eight hours or less (imagine what I could do if this was my day job ugh ;_;) and it's always really fun and energizing. There's something really satisfying about performing an HGTV-worthy makeover on my pile of poopy shit feelings and turning them into a cute song.
I'm hoping I'll find more energy in me to keep doing music-- let me know if you like it.
Anyway, I posted these sadbop tunes plus their lyrics below. They sound really upbeat but the first song is basically about anxiety and mental illness and "sea stars" is about hoping all rapists and abusers die, so enjoy.